In Silence, I Rediscovered Myself
by shantel1013
Summary: Her world was different now. She was happy with Noah and she had began to heal from her past. She didn't want to see him, and she sure as hell didn't want to hear what he had to say. She got to be there when his world went crashing down, and she was thankful she was. Closure was exactly what she needed from him. **New Story**
1. Chapter 1

_Olivia stood at the front of the church, holding the speech she had carefully written in her hand. She spent all week working on it, yet she knew it wasn't enough to explain what she had to say. He deserved more than that. He deserved the best she could give, and that speech wasn't it. She wasn't sure what to say, but the words seemed to spill out of her mouth. _

"_I remember the day I see him after he had left the unit. It was years before we ever talked, and I know the reasons behind his decisions. Back then I was confused and angry, but I missed him enough that it didn't really matter anymore. I just wanted him to be my partner again."_

***One Year Earlier***

She had just ordered her coffee and sat down at one of the tables, grateful that she was finally off work. It had been a long case, and Amaro had finally got a confession after a 12 hour interrogation. She loved being the acting sergeant now, but she sometimes missed the older days. She was excited to spend her weekend off work, and she had planned to enjoy it with Noah. She had wanted to take him upstate and maybe spent it by the water.

Looking at her phone, she tried to keep herself busy as she waited for her order. Knowing she should be getting home to relieve the babysitter, she hoped she wouldn't have to wait long. She could hear a little girl talking close to her table and it made her smile. Not soon after the little girl stopped talking, she heard a laugh some from a guy that she what she could assume was a family member. Knowing she had to be wrong, she waited until they were finally leaving to turn around. She normally wouldn't have thought twice about it, but she waited to see the man turn around.

_She knew that laugh all too well. _

His crystal blue eyes gleamed as he talked to the girl, making her wonder who she was. Her eyes were identical to him and she began to question if he had stayed with his wife and had another kid. It almost broke her heart to think he had to go through all that again after the experiences with his last. She decided that time away from the unit had been good for him, considering how good he looked. Before she could even really ponder the thought much, she heard another familiar voice yell her name.

"Livia! Oh my gosh, I can't believe it's you!" The tall blonde yelled as she came running towards her, quick to pull her into a hug as she stood from the table.

She couldn't believe how much she had changed, and how much she looked like her mom. She smiled and hugged her, trying her hardest not to look up at him.

But she knew, deep down, she wanted to see him. She wanted to talk to him and found out what life was like outside the unit.

She looked up to meet those piercing blue eyes, almost wishing she hadn't. Elliot almost looked mad, but somewhat upset at the same time. She didn't see any resemblance of happiness whatsoever. All the joy he had previous had was gone and he was as white as a ghost.

The little girl came running to Maureen's side, curious as to whom the stranger was. She could hear Maureen talking, but she wasn't really listening to her because she couldn't take her eyes off Elliot.

"Liv?"

She finally turned to look at Maureen, quick to smile and brush off the dark feeling she now had. The little girl was staring at her with a smile across her smile and held some kind of stuffed animal as Olivia bent down to her level. She assumed she was no older than three, just like many victims she had worked with.

"You have to be a Stabler with those pretty blue eyes you have. What's your name sweetie?" Olivia asked the girl.

"Emery Scott. What's your name?"

"Emery, this is Olivia. She use to work with your grandpa when he was a cop and she was his partner. They got to arrest all the bad guys together."

"You use to work with my Papa?"

"I sure did Emery. He was the best partner I ever had, and an ornery one too. You're Papa saved my butt a couple times."

Emery laughed and ran off, heading over toward Elliot again. He picked up the girl and threw her over his arm, making Emery laugh even louder. She smiled, knowing the love he had for his family was tremendous.

"You should talk to him Liv. I know he misses you, and I can tell you miss him too." Maureen said, trying to convince her.

"Maureen, I wouldn't even know what to say to him. He seems so different, and I'm not even sure he wants to talk to me. I think that's pretty obvious by the way he has ignored me for these last few years."

"He has his reasons, and I think it would be good for you two to talk. He has changed, but he's still the same old Elliot you knew. I think it would be nice for you two to be friends again."

Before Olivia could even answer, Maureen walked over and grabbed her daughter, telling Elliot something before kissing him goodbye. She watched as he walked over to the counter, grabbing the coffee sitting there and bringing it to her.

"Let me guess, the same old black coffee with extra caramel?" Elliot smiled, setting down at the closest booth.

She smiled, taking the cup and sat down across from him at the table. She had so many questions to ask, but didn't know how to ask them. She wanted to know everything. She could tell something was different about him, but she couldn't put her finger on it.

"Papa huh?" Olivia asked, trying to break the ice.

"Yeah, that's our newest bundle of joy. Maureen got married to a great guy she met in college and had Emery about a year later. I keep Em when the two of them have to work, so she's with me a lot."

"Is Eli doing okay with another little one to steal the spotlight?"

"Yeah, it was rough at first. It took some time for him to adjust, but now they're partners in crime. He just started first grade and he's always getting into trouble. He plays soccer and loves it, but Kathy has him right now while they visit her family upstate."

"How is the rest of the family? Maureen looks like she's doing really well."

"The twins are good, both in college and living on campus. Dickie isn't sure what he wants to do, but Lizzie wants to be an environmental scientist. Kathleen is working in New Jersey at a counseling service for teens, and is engaged to a guy she met there. They're going to move into my mom's old house when they get married. Maureen works at Mercy as a nurse and her husband Jeff is head of security there. They still live here in the city, just a few blocks from me."

"Wow El, looks like you got pretty lucky. I'm so glad everything turned out well for you."

"Yeah well after I left, I kind of realized some of the things I was missing while I wasn't at home. After everything that has happened, I really just try to spend time with my family as much as I can."

The two of them fell silent, not sure what to say. Olivia knew she should be heading home and she really didn't want to say something she would regret. Elliot was happy without her and the unit, and she was okay with that.

"El, I should be heading home. I've got things I need to take care of before my weekend off…." Olivia stuttered as she stood from the table.

"How about I come over so we can talk? There are some things I wanna tell you before I change my mind. Your place is actually on my way home." Elliot tried, following her out the door.

"I actually live on the other side of town now. I moved out a couple months ago when Brian and I got our own place."

_Shit. She wasn't going to tell him about Cassidy_.

"Oh, well can I just follow you there?"

"I don't think tonight is a good time Elliot. Maybe when I get back this weekend or maybe next week sometime?"

"Please Olivia. I need this because you and I both know how it will be. If we don't do this tonight, there is a chance we won't ever do it."


	2. Chapter 2

She watched in the rearview mirror as Elliot followed her, unsure of why she was even letting him come over in the first place. She knew he would have questions and she felt no obligation to tell him the change she had gone through. It was none of his damn business as far as she was concerned. It however made her worry about the importance of what he had to say.

He didn't owe her this, or anything for that matter. She was just simply his partner and she didn't need to hear the justification of why he left. That was his business, not hers.

_You're just lying to yourself._

She could hear the words echo in the back of her mind. He was more than a partner, and that was something she hoped she would never have to admit. But here they were, years later, headed back to her place to discuss what had happened. She wanted to yell at him for leaving her like that and wanted to blame him for some of the things that had happened to her.

_Lewis. Sealview. _

It seemed like some of the most horrific things had happened to her when he wasn't at her side. To this day she still hadn't told him what had happened when she was undercover at the prison. Part of that was because she didn't want him to feel guilty that he couldn't have protected her. She always knew what she was getting into, and there was not a part of her that ever blamed Elliot for not being at her side.

_But where was he when you needed him the most?_

She shook the bad thoughts she was having as she pulled up to the apartment, waiting for Elliot to pull in beside her. They climbed out of their cars and he followed her to the elevator, both remaining silent. They walked in unison off the elevator and around the corner to her door, remaining silent as they entered the apartment. It was quiet and rather dark, the only light coming from the back room.

"Have a seat El and I will be right back. I'm gonna change out of these clothes." Olivia smiled, walking towards the back of the apartment.

He watched her leave and headed towards the couch, looking around at her new place. There were pictures of her and the crew at work, making him slightly jealous. The man next to her had his arm draped around her, making him assume it was her new partner. He hoped he was good enough to keep Olivia safe, not that it really mattered. It wasn't his job anymore, and not a day went by when he wondered if Liv was as safe with a new partner.

_He was the one that had left her, alone. _

He remembered the one time that he had called the unit, hoping to check it without anyone noticing. It was almost a year after he had left. He had called Cragen to ask about everything, hoping he would give him answers. It seemed like everything was doing okay until he asked one question…. The one he promised himself he wouldn't ask.

"_How's Liv doing?"_

It was a simple question. He assumed the change was rough, but he knew she was strong and able to move on without him at her side. That's why he refused to answer any of her calls. He knew it would only make things worse.

"_How do you think she is Elliot? You walked away to your family and left her here. She stayed here with nobody."_

That answer was one of the main reasons he hadn't ever returned to see her. She was better off without her and it was obvious that everyone else agreed.

_But you're here, tonight. Just tell her._

There was a photo from Munch's retirement party that he hadn't noticed. Olivia and Cassidy stood at the end with their arms wrapped around each other, looking like more than friends. He had remembered her saying something about moving in with Brain, but he had never assumed it was Cassidy. He wondered of Cassidy was here, or maybe at work. Was she going out of town to spend the weekend with him?

_How things have changed. _

Out of the corner of his eye, he seen a girl appear and walk out the door. He had no clue where she had come from, and had no idea who she was. He turned back around and debated on sitting on the couch, still waiting on Olivia. Wanting something to drink, he changed his mind and made his way to the kitchen to grab a beer from the fridge. He couldn't stand still, let alone sit down.

She stood in front of the closet, trying her best to keep herself together. She promised herself that she wouldn't cry tonight, though she hadn't in a long time. She remembers the nights she spent crying right after he had left, wondering what had gone wrong. She had a breakdown at work the moment Cragen had told her the news. She tried not to blame herself, hoping she wasn't the reason he had left.

_Maybe she wasn't enough for him. _

She tried to rationalize every reason why, but that seemed to be the one that she truly believed. She hoped things were good for him. She wants to be able to tell him the good things that had happened when he left. She wants him to believe that she is okay now without him.

_Even if that was a lie. _

Grabbing a beer, he flipped off the lid and lifted the bottle to his lips. He stood at the sink and stared out the window, unsure of what he was going to say exactly. Olivia didn't even seem like the same person anymore. But could he blame her?

_What? Did you expect her to wait around for you?_

He pushed the thought out of the back of his mind as he head footsteps, turning around to find Olivia in the kitchen with him. She had let her hair down from the clip, making him realize how short her hair was now. She had changed. He was looking at a totally different woman now.

He felt proud to know she had moved on to better things, even if it hurt to know it wasn't with him. He hoped that he had forgiven him for the way that he left, even though he hadn't forgiven himself.

"I can't believe how much you've changed Liv."

"Yeah, things change when you disappear for three years. What did you expect El?"

"Look, I'm not here to fight or try to make you feel bad. It was my fault that I left without telling you and trust me, I feel horrible every damn day for what I did. But the only reason I am here is because I want you to understand because part of me feels like we both need closure!"

"Closure! What I needed was my best friend by my side when I needed him the most! Seriously Elliot, did you even know what happened the last few months? My life was HELL and all I wanted was the support I needed."

_The support she deserved. _

Before he could even respond, he heard a noise from the back room and watched as Olivia disappeared. He stood there, waiting for her to come back. He didn't want to follow her because he sure as hell didn't want to see Cassidy.

Maybe he shouldn't have come tonight. He never expected them to be fighting, and he sure as hell didn't expect her to be this angered towards him. It was obvious she had been holding all of this in for a while.

"Elliot, don't freak out." Olivia whispered before coming around the corner.

"Okay."

She reappeared with a small child in her arms, no older than 6 months. He had dark brown hair and dark eyes, looking like a true Benson. He couldn't believe she had baby and he didn't know about it. Out of all the thing she could have told him, this was one he would have never expected. It was one of the many things that had happened while he was gone.

The small child reached out for him, and he walked over to take him from her, smiling as he did.

_He was beautiful, just like her. _

"Elliot, this is Noah. Noah, this is Elliot. He is one of mommy's friends from work." Olivia cooed, handling him over.

He watched as she moved towards the sink to make a bottle, noticing how natural it was for her. He always knew she would be a fantastic mom, and he had no doubt Noah would grow up with the best opportunities. He knew she would want him to grow up and experience everything the world could offer to him, and that she would always be at his side.

_Her dreams were coming true, with or without him. _

"Do you want me to take him El?" Olivia asked, trying to get his attention.

He shook his head and took the bottle in her hand, carrying Noah in his arms as he took the bottle. He could tell it wouldn't take much before he would be asleep, and he could see Liv yawn from the corner of his eye. It was getting late and he needed to just get the courage tell her the truth.

_Please don't let the truth push her further away._


	3. Chapter 3

Olivia sat across from Elliot as he held Noah, watching as his little eyes began to close. Noah had definitely become attached to her, but she felt happy to know he liked Elliot. He was good with kids; she knew this, and a small part of her wandered if…

_No. Don't let your mind go there. _

"Liv, there are some things I need to tell you and I know that you may not want to hear it all. But I feel like you should know because I am tired of trying to hide it from you. I figure you will find out eventually and it's better to hear it from me." Elliot said, trying to be as gentle as possible.

_Snap back to reality Olivia._

"Okay."

"When I left the unit, I never thought it would be a permeant thing. I knew I needed some time off and that what happened was something I needed to deal with. Before the shooting even happened, I was having trouble sleeping and I was so stressed that I didn't even notice…. But after I left, things got worse and I thought it was because of what had happened."

_The shooting. It was what changed everything. _

Olivia nodded, not really sure of where he was going with this. Was he trying to explain why he left and didn't come back? She knew how badly the nights could be because she had experienced it over the years. That feeling that no matter what you do, you can't get the dark feeling to go away.

"I thought that the night sweats were because of nightmares that I was having. But over the next couple months, things didn't seem to be getting better. I was going to therapy and she suggested that maybe I go see a doctor. He thought it was possibly just my hormones because of my age and wanted me to try some supplements to see if it would help."

_She knew what it was like, and she had her shared amount of time telling a shrink more than she would like. _

"Did it help?"

"For a few months, but then it all started again about a year later. I tried to ignore it, but I woke up with really bad chest pain one night and had to be taken to the ER. I told the doctor about everything that had been going on and the recent changes I had noticed. They told me I had lost over 30 pounds since my last doctor's visit."

_She noticed the difference earlier today. He wasn't the same badass, muscular Elliot he used to be. _

"Why didn't you call me Elliot? It obvious you needed someone…"

"I was going to, but I wanted to wait until they were done running test. I didn't want to scare you for no reason."

"You didn't have to go through all of that alone. You know I wouldn't have cared."

"I didn't want you to have to see me when I had to go through everything…. When they told me, I knew I couldn't call you because that meant you would come running to my side. I had to deal with this without destroying your life."

She was scared now. She thought she knew what he was going to tell her. Everything he was saying was true, and a small part of her was pissed that he didn't tell her before now. She had to ask him because she needed to hear it. It wasn't real until he said it.

"What did they tell you?"

"Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma was the official diagnosis. It was the reason for my chest pain, night sweats, weight loss and the hormone imbalance. I hadn't even heard of it before until they told me. Cancer didn't run in my family and I hadn't even considered the option that it was."

"What stage was it? Did you do chemo or radiation?"

_Did you at least fight for you?_

"Stage 2, and yeah I did both. It was hell and at one point I wished that it would all just end. But after the radiation was done, some of my hair grew back and I began to feel normal again. The doctors thought we had caught it early enough and that the treatment had gotten it all. I started working out and eating healthy. I wanted to come back to work, but Cragen refused to let me after I told him."

"Wait, Cragen knew this whole time and didn't tell me? How long has he known?"

"I told him about a year ago. I thought he would tell you guys, but since you never called, I just assumed he kept quiet about it."

She assumed he probably did it to protect her, but that wasn't his place to decide.

"So why are you hear now Elliot? You're obviously fine now and happy as ever. You've got your kids and probably someone you've been seeing. Why bring me into this after?"

Then it hit her.

_No…._

"Elliot….."

She could see the tears come to his eyes, but she knew his pride was too big for him to actually cry. Quickly standing up, she picked up Noah from his lap and headed towards the back of the apartment. She could see the fear the eyes in his eyes when she began to walk away and she knew the look all too well.

_Don't run Liv._

Stopping in front of the kitchen, she turned around and looked at him. He was still sitting, but had his elbows rested on his knees with his hands cradling his head. She could see the fear, hurt, and shame written all over him. It was the way his shoulders sat too stiff and how he pressed his palms into his forehead.

"Elliot…."

Those eyes. She will never forget the look she got when he finally looked up at her.

"I'm just gonna lay down Noah and we can talk. There are some clothes in the closet that you can change into if you want to be more comfortable."

He nodded and moved towards her, but she retreated to the nursery before he could touch her or say anything.

Laying Noah down, she was glad he didn't fuss when she put him in the crib. She needed a moment alone, just a few minutes to think about everything.

She wanted to leave and show up at Cragen's house, demanding why he never told her the truth.

She wanted to scream and kick something, but she knew nothing would come from that.

So she simply walked towards the door, closing and laying back against it. She found herself sitting in the floor, cradling her legs as she tried to hold back the tears.

_But she soon felt her cheeks become damp._

She wondered how she could possibly get through this, or maybe even why she was being forced to deal with it at all. She could have gone without ever seeing Elliot Stabler again. Maybe that was a lie, but it was better to believe that…..

_How was she get past her best friend dying of cancer?_

_Or worse, how was she deal with him asking her to be there for it all?_


	4. Chapter 4

She sat across from Elliot, listening to him explain his diagnosis and treatment over the last year. The fact was that she could hear him, but she really wasn't listening. She stared at his chest that displayed the NYPD symbol, making her smile inside. It was actually his shirt, one he had left one of the times he had crashed on her couch.

They had gotten close over their last year of partnership. Elliot had stayed over countless time to avoid going home to Kathy. The fighting was almost a constant battle for him and she knew they weren't going to last much longer. But still, she pushed him to talk to her and try to work things out. That was her job as his friend and she did it with stride.

_No matter how many times she wanted to tell him the truth._

She wondered what the world would be like without Elliot Stabler. Granted she had gone the last few years without him, but that was different. She didn't know what it would be like for him to actually be gone.

She thinks it would be nice to stay in touch with his kids, hoping they could recover from the loss of their beloved one. Eli might have some trouble, but she imagines him going up around Noah and that they would bond. Things will be rough for Kathy, and Olivia believes she could be there to help. Hell, she has been around since the kids were small. They know her… They can trust her.

_Bonding with his ex-wife? Don't kid yourself._

Looking up, she met Elliot's face and realized he had stopped talking. He was staring at her, trying his best to read the situation. He knew her well enough to tell when she was going to that dark place, and it was written all over her face.

"Liv, I'm sorry to spring all of this on you. I just wanted you to know."

She sat silent for a moment, studying his face as stared at her. She had no shame in staring, and she didn't even mind that he was doing the same. She could see the lines across the face, the first indicator of his aging. She could tell he sat more relaxed these days, probably because he wasn't forced to deal with the vics anymore.

"Do you remember the day you left?" Olivia asked, staring at her hands as she did. She surprised him with the question, making him curious as to where she was going with this.

"When I left the unit?"

"Yeah. Do you remember what happened after everyone had left?"

Of course he remembered. He didn't sleep for days after the shooting happened. He remembers lying in bed, not being able to move after the nightmares had come. He hadn't even suffered this amount of guilt and rage when he came back from the war. At one point, he was glad he left his gun in his desk.

_He didn't want to be one found that had ate his own gun. He knew too many horror stories of it happening. _

"I remember giving my statement and then I took a shower in the cribs. When I came back to sit at my desk, my gun and badge sat there in the middle of it. I picked them up, sat them in the top drawer and walked out. I couldn't deal with what I had done."

"That's the thing… I knew you were leaving. I think a small part of me knew that but didn't want to believe it. That was the last time I saw you Elliot. That day is such a blur now, no matter how many times I think about it."

"Liv…"

"And you wanna know what sucks?" Olivia asked, finally coming to meet his eyes, "At the time, I had no idea that it would be the last. So you know what? I dealt with it and I came to terms with it. But here you are, years later. This may be selfish of me, but I don't want to have to get over losing you again."

"I don't know what you expect me to say here? I've apologized and tried to explain to you why I left."

"You don't get it Elliot. That's my point."

Olivia stood and headed towards the door, trying to rationalize why she was going to let Elliot walk away. He quickly jumped up and grabbed her arm, pulling her within inches of him. Elliot was known for his anger, and it didn't shock her at all. It was almost an intimate gesture, one made of anger. It wasn't something she was use to with him.

"You don't get to walk away from me." Elliot whispered to her, trying to understand what she wanted.

"No that's what your best at, isn't it?"

The anger in her voice almost knocked the wind out of him, and he wasn't sure how to bounce back from it. It was the truth, and it was painful to hear it from her. Maybe it was best for him to walk away now. He knew it would be hard to know this could be there last time together, but at least it was a form of closure.

_No. You can't spend what's left of your life knowing she was hurt from what you did._

"I want to understand Olivia, but you have got to let me in!"

She finally pulled away from him, trying her hardest to put some space between them. But when she did, he followed her until her back was against the wall. He was so close that she could smell his aftershave. He was so close yet she felt like they were so far away.

_You have to tell him the truth. _

"What? So you can leave me again? Elliot the last time you walked away… I wasn't even good enough to even deserve a goodbye from you." Olivia said, letting the tear fall freely. "So what's different now?"

He didn't even hesitate before he responded, "Because I didn't realize what I had done until it was too late. You were hurting, and I knew no matter what I said it wouldn't make a difference. What I realize now is that I can't do this without you. I can't spend my last days thinking about the worst mistake I ever made."

That was all it took to make Olivia realize that Elliot was just as broken as she was.


End file.
